Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon by Catherine DeVore
Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon by: Catherine DeVore
Source: Purchased. It was worth every penny of the $2.99 for this review.
Review by: AnnaSaurus Rex
Awwwww shit bitches that’s right! Annasaurus Rex is BACK and better than ever! Sure, I took a short hiatus (to get my podcast up and running! [Type Omaha] Go listen and subscribe! K Thx luvu byyyyeee) but I was hoisted out of retirement by the glory that is Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon.
If that title isn’t enough, we only have to wait until the second sentence for the phrase “ninja training” to be dropped. So. Mr. Lincoln was president and all that. Civil War. Etcetera. However, all that was a big Numero DOS on his list of important shit.
What could be number one you ask? Why, fighting the emperor of Japan in a moon fortress that is accessed via an under-mountain “Pool of Dreams” of course! I mean honestly, did you really not see that coming?
Also, it turns out the rumors are true. I am woman enough to admit when I’m wrong. It turns out the conspiracy theorists were right. Lincoln faked his assassination due to aforementioned moon fight. There, I said it. Let us not dwell on past mistakes. Moving on.
Not only is our 16th president trained in the ancient ways of the ninja, but he also has magical loins. MAAAAAAAGICAL LOINS! Winky faces and elbow nudging all around – Mary was a lucky lady, amirite?
So President Lincoln fakes his assassination. Bee-tee-dubs, JWB was totes in on it, him and Abe were BFF 4 lyfe. Peas and motherfucking carrots, motherfucker! Anyway. Our boy then jumps over to Japan and promptly has vigorous sex with his former…ahem…sparring partner (and I quote – My tongue began to spar with hers).
(Aside: I am normally on board for the insanity of these pieces of but I can NOT believe a woman would ever say, without any sense of irony or patronization, “Your power is great! You should share it with the world!” after a quickie. Sorry-not sorry, that shit is CRAY.)
Next up, Mr. President goes to the moon via magical dream pool with five sexy lady assassins. They meet up with the Evil Emperor. And I quote:
“No, I will not bow before you! I am Abraham Lincoln and I shall stand before you tall and proud!” As I spoke, my birthmark flared with energy and my prick leaped to life. I threw aside my kimono and brandished my cock toward Emperor Komei like a samurai swinging a sword of watered steel.”**
**Please note that this quote does not improve with context.
But by now it’s that time again – TWIST!
(Side bar: Why does all erotica seem to have a bizarre plot twist? Is the erotica not enough? WHAT ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR PEOPLE?!)
The Emperor whips out HIS cock and the lady assassins are helpless and can only collapse and masturbate! Is this where the phrase “dick measuring contest” comes from? HISTORY!
Now it’s time for the climax – no, not that one – the fight sequence! Guys. GUUUUUUYYYZZZZ. The Emperor and Lincoln fight. WITH THEIR DICKS. And they glow like lightsabers. It’s Vader and Skywalker sparring in the Death Star during The Empire Strikes Back but…it’s this. THEIR DICKS ACTUALLY GLOW RED AND BLUE. Da fuck?!
Anyway, the Emperor loses, which apparently drains away any and all animosity because he submits readily to oral and anal sex with our Mr. President. Hey, he was into it! Then he went back to Earth and now ABE RULES THE MOON AS AN AGELESS GOD! MWAHAHAH! MANIACAL LAUGHTER. Ahem. Pardon me.
I could try to sum it all up, but perhaps Abe says it best at the end:
Remember: Though you might not see me, I am always watching from afar.-Abraham Lincoln, Fuck Lord of the Moon
And just like that, I got a new signature line for my Gmail.
Overall, Abe Lincoln: Fuck Lord gets nine out of twelve inches.
Until next time, dear readers.
–Annasaurus Rex, Lit Lord of Erotica