Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Choose Your Own Adventure

Posted 8 June, 2015 by April @ The Steadfast Reader in musings

three bearsOnce upon a time there was a little girl name Goldilocks, while wandering in the woods one day, her parents on the verge of being charged with criminal neglect, she comes across a cabin.

Although the door is not locked she opens up the door because she is quite hungry and tired. She crosses the threshold of the dwelling, maybe she has an intent to create a felony within, maybe she doesn’t – it’s hard to say. Regardless, she is uninvited into this home. There are pictures of the Brown Bear Family on the wall, Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear.

As she enters the cabin she sees three bowls of porridges sitting on the table. She sits down in the biggest chair and takes a bite of the porridge.

“Ouch!” she exclaims, “This is too hot! Maybe I can sue the homeowner for the pain and suffering that has come to me from tasting this too hot bowl of porridge. With that money I could stop wandering the woods breaking and entering into strange cottages.”

She sits down in the second chair, takes a bite of the porridge.

“Oh my!” She exclaims, “This is toooo cold. Must be Mama Bear’s porridge as mothers in this day and age are forbidden from eating warm food as they prepare it.”

She moves to the third chair, which is very tiny. She tastes the porridge and exclaims, “This is just right!” and gobbles up the porridge. As she’s finishing the porridge with the perfect temperature, the chair breaks beneath her KABLAM! Goldilocks lands hard on her rump and thinks of adding this to the civil suit she’s considering against the bear family for leaving a too-hot bowl of porridge sitting on the table that she has already encountered.

Rubbing her injured bum, Goldilocks makes her way upstairs where she finds a loft with three beds occupying it. Quaint. Goldilocks thinks as she climbs into the biggest bed. She tosses and turns for a minute before giving up, exasperated, “This bed is too hard!”

She climbs into the medium size bed, tosses and turns, wonders why these bears who can afford fine porridge and dining room furniture (except for that baby chair that was clearly not up to modern code standards) can’t afford a Tempur-Pedic bed. “This bed is too soft!” she sighs and moves into the smallest bed.

Exhausted, burned, and bruised – Goldilocks lays down in the little bed and falls fast asleep.

Meanwhile the Bear Family has returned home from their walk.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge!” Papa Bear growls.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge too!” Mama Bear exclaims.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!” wails Baby Bear.

“Look at the chairs!” Papa bear shouts, “Someone’s been sitting in my chair!”

“Someone has been sitting in my chair too!” replies Mama Bear.

“Someone has been sitting in my chair and they broke it to pieces!” cries Baby Bear.

The Bear family heads upstair apprehensively, Papa Bear grabs his shotgun.

Upstairs Papa Bear notices that someone has been sleeping in his bed, Mama Bear notices the same thing – and there in Baby Bear’s bed is Goldilocks, who has awoken and started to run down the stairs to escape the three frightened and angry bears. She stops in the kitchen, grabs a knife and starts to scream obscenities at the bear family.

This is his home and Papa Bear needs to protect his family so he discharges his shotgun at the ranting and raving Goldilocks.


Is your Goldilocks:

Black or brown?

A flaxen beauty with skin pale as the freshly driven snow?


You have chosen to shoot a black or brown Goldilocks: There is no national media coverage of this story. The police come out, take your statement and agree that this girl was breaking and entering and may have been involved in gang activity. The community agrees that the death of any young person is sad, but obviously she was a bad seed and got what was coming to her. Within a few months, life as you know it returns to normal except that Baby Bear continues to have nightmares from the home invasion.


You have chosen to shoot a Goldilocks with skin as pale as the freshly driven snow: Nancy Grace picks up this story immediately and your face is splashed across most national news outlets. You are the Brown Bear who shot a little white girl who only wanted a little porridge and a place to sleep. There are rumblings that the district attorney may send your case to the grand jury for indictment and even if they don’t you can hardly leave your cabin these days for fear of media, paparazzi, and the death threats you have been receiving. No one can understand why a big strong brown bear would need to take up arms against a little girl who clearly was just doing what kids do. Her parents are threatening civil action against you as well for wrongful death. Plan to spend the next 10 – 20 years in an orange jumpsuit. Also, take the plea deal that is offered to you.

April @ The Steadfast Reader


  • Well done!

  • Oh, April. So much this.

  • Anna

    So good! So perfect! #apt

  • I love this! Does this Fairy Tale Land have a Castle Doctrine or Stand Your Ground law (though I agree that–sadly–the factor that determines what happens to Papa Bear depends on Goldilock’s race).

    • I was operating under a Castle Doctrine, Fairy Tale land is too liberal for a Stand Your Ground law. 😉

      I just realized a few tweaks and this makes a pretty good Crim Law final question. 😉