Narcoleptic Hooker. HAHAHHAAHHA – Shut up. It’s amazeballs. Well, it’s DEFINITELY got something to do with balls anyway.
Before I even got a copy of this book I wrote it off as a lame, pulp novel that was surely going to be a terrible read (hence why I was reading it). I am woman enough to admit when I was wrong. I WAS WRONG.
I enjoyed this book. Okay, it wasn’t perfect. There were too many moving parts, at times the writing left me a little lost, and it was about fifty pages too long. HOWEVER. It was well written enough that I wasn’t too distracted and could focus on the beautiful and creatively delivered message: FEMINISM. Not just for non-hookers!
Before we get too involved, here’s the rundown from Amazon:
Everyone wanted to know how a prostitute with narcolepsy eradicated crime in Las Vegas. Now the ambassador of this crimeless city in 2054, Penelope Fortunata tells the story of the life she led when her mob affiliations ran deep. There is always a beginning and this is hers.
“Welcome to the Vegas Strip. Never has the line between getting whacked and getting whacked off been so thin. This is the kind of book people hide from their spouses and parents. This is the kind of book that your closest friend will want to clear from your home, along with your vibrator and porn, before anyone else comes to liquidate your estate when you kick the bucket unexpectedly. This book is a dangerous addiction that you will not be able to tear yourself away from, teeming with corruption and sex in the City of Sin where one must embrace the gritty elegance of organized crime. It is filled with characters who are far more interesting than anyone you know and dirtier than any of them will ever admit to being. Just two things you should know: don’t judge a hooker, and there is no safe word. You have been warned.”
That official, rambling description pretty much encompasses how the entire book reads.
Let’s really push our fingers in, shall we? First and foremost we have our title hooker, Penelope. She’s tall, mid-30s and describes herself as:
…an independent, thick—but I called it juicy—Italian-American woman who had old-school mobsters by the balls, sometimes quite literally. I had and still have a sleep disorder…and in case the world missed it, I was a prostitute. A real life narcoleptic hooker…
Sassy, sexy, mob-affiliated hooker with a sleeping disorder? Yes please! Surely this cannot be improved upon. HAHAHAHA HOOKER YOU CRAZY. Of course it can! Her BFFL, roomie, and occasional shower/fuck buddy is: “KICHI THE JAP WHORE.” (I put that in quotes because that is – HAND TO GOD — the name of one of the chapters.)
Kichi is a fellow hooker: she’s crude, foul and generally fabulous. Part of the fem-positive spin in this book involves how much Penelope and Kichi are gross. Lots of farting, talk of fluids, etc. It turns out that women are just like you. Amazing.
So we have our two WERKIN protagonists, but what about The Bad Guy? Why, that would be Old Man Tucker the Fucker of course! He’s a granddaddy of the mafia with an iron cock and the stamina of a thoroughbred champion horse (As an aside, if someone wants to buy a horse and name it Old Man Tucker the Fucker, I would totally be into that.). For plot reasons, he has a nefarious and elaborate plan to get what he wants. And ain’t nobody, I said nobody, gonna stand in his way. Or whatever. Point is, he’s got it in for, and – at one point – ACTUALLY IN, Penelope. “GASP!” you say?! Trust me, it’s a long story.
Of course, this entire novel would be incomplete without a romantic B story. Isn’t romance where our true humanity lies, afterall? Lucky for us, humanity turns out to be a gorgeous black lumberjack of a man named Zeke. He’s charming, respectful and already knows Penelope’s dad (who also has an elaborate back story). One noted FAIL: We do NOT get a sex scene between Penelope and Zeke. No vanilla and chocolate swirl here! Sad face. After meeting in a massage parlor (yup) the two hit it off and etc etc. Fill in generic construction-worker-dating-a-hooker plot line here. Wasn’t that the basis for Magic Mike? Anyway.
There are a myriad of other characters that I don’t have the time to go into and you, dear ADHD reader, certainly don’t have the patience to read about. I will give an honorable mention to the crazy, ancient Japanese neighbor who gets high with The Hookers and has a graphic story about banging a dude while training for the 1932 Olympics. Because OBVIOUSLY. She also hypnotizes Penelope to dig out repressed kidnapping memories and has a full back tattoo of a dragon. Yeah, I want Ms. Su to be my friend in real life.
“But Annasaurus,” you demand, “what about the narcoleptic part?!?!?!” Well, it did play a role, albeit a small one. The only part worth mentioning is one of the opening scenes, where Penelope wakes up from an episode with a dick in her mouth. For ONCE the liquid coming out of her mouth was drool, know what I’m sayin’?! (Okay, that was too much, even for me. TOO FAR ANNA! Too. Far.)
“But Annasaurus,” you demand, “WHAT ABOUT THE HOOKER PART?!?!?!” Well, I don’t read and tell soooo…wait, yes I do! There are blow jobs (including, but not limited to, a priest in a church), strap on anal with a married Jew, doggy style and good ol’ fashioned missionary. Old, young, family friend or regular client, this hooker does it all! I don’t hesitate to say it — BIBLE — Emma Janson can write the hell out of a sex scene.
As previously mentioned, I started out a skeptic, but ended up a fan. The biggest reason for my reverse cowgirl-ing (that’s what that means, right?) was the Hooker herself. Throughout the story, Penelope calls out racism, beauty culture, and most of all, sexism. It doesn’t come across as preachy, it’s just how things are in this NarpHo’s version of Las Vegas. For example:
This is exactly why I don’t have a steady dick to ride that is reserved just for me. If a guy knows my occupation, apparently I’m on the clock.
To me, this calls out the way women are perceived as only existing for a man’s pleasure. BULLSHIT, SON. Here’s a radical idea: Women are complete beings, separate from men! WILD.
The hair shifted as he yelled, “You talk too fucking much! If I wasn’t babysitting you for the geezer, I’d show you what a real man is!”
As quickly as Jackson shuffled into Kichi’s space, she abruptly yet smugly said, “You still have spit on your face, asshole.” She lifted her knee into his groin so hard and so fast that I partly laughed at his pain and partly laughed at the ninja-like whipping movement that stunned us both.
BAM! Misogyny used to a lady’s advantage. Get in Kichi’s face with that much Haterade and she’ll kick your dick into your anus. You’ve been warned!
I tilted my head and pulled a pin from within a pile of hair at the back of my head. My hair cascaded down, then I shook it loose. Some of my dark brown locks fell onto my chest. I gently pushed them behind my neck. The power shifted from him to yours truly. As he stood proud, the shift presented a humbled man standing before a very powerful woman. The dynamic change in the room was so evident you could almost cut through it.
BLAMO. I would like to note that this scene ends with the guy on his knees, agreeing to everything Penelope wants. NAILED IT.
Okay, so I feel like we all get the vibe. It’s the best hooker book I’ve ever read. But if you know me, you know I can’t just leave it at that! On page 74 of the e-book I wrote a note to myself:
Okay, now officially on board for this to be made into a movie a la 50 Shades of Grey. Feminist, real woman. Who will play the cast?!
So glad you asked, past self! SO glad. After much deep thought, consideration, and a few gin and tonics I came to the conclusion that the only cast that could do this campy book any justice would be the drag queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race. Ladies, get your lace front wigs READY.
Note: If you don’t know the glory that is Mama Ru and her Drag Race, then you, my unenlightened friend, are in for the best week of your life. Finish this article, share it with everyone you know, then jump on the interwebs and binge watch ALL of RuPaul’s Drag Race. After you’re done GAGGING on the ELEGANZA, come back here to re-read this with some context!
Without further ado, I present the initial cast list for Narcoleptic Hooker, The Movie:
Penelope – Bianca Del Rio – No one does no-nonsense wit better. Heart of gold, tongue like a whip. And grrrrl, she can WERK.
Kichi – Manila Luzon – If there was ever a character that Manila could play, it’s Kichi. She would bring the crazy-eyed REALNESS that is necessary for this hooker.
Ms. Su – Jujubee – This bitch is fierce, funny and her real name is Airline. I’m pretty sure that’s a trump card in 28 states and the United Nations.
I know, I know, the cast is terribly incomplete! But don’t fret sweet readers! As I mentioned before, there are a SHIT TON of characters, so I know we can find roles for all the quuens! Of course, there are some male roles, notable Tucker the Fucker and Zeke. Also, all those guys Penelope bangs. Ohhhh Pit Crew!
I’d also be willing to consider Santino Rice as one of the guys paying for sex. Surely that’s not much of a stretch.
The story ends on a cliffhanger, leaving room for many sexy sequels. Will I read them? Maybe. Am I glad they’re being written? HELLS YEAH! Seriously, Google this author, her backstory (and autobiography) alone are a good enough reason to pick up these books.
Overall, I give Narcoleptic Hooker four out of five female orgasms. Male orgasms are easy, but you gotta WERK for the ladies.
So, my dear readers, after all that, I will leave you with this one last question: Which one of these quotes from Narcoleptic Hooker should be my next tattoo?
A person can wish in one hand and shit in the other; which hand will get full first?
I checked myself out from every possible angle and smacked my ass firmly while shouting, “Damn girl, you are fucking sexy! I want the juice…You can’t handle the juice!”