Naked in the Forest by: Geneva West
OMG STFU guys WUT???
This is my legitimate reaction to Naked in the Forest: (Heterosexual Monster Threesome). I thought Rammed by the Raptor was silly, but Naked in the Forest makes Rammed look like Shakespeare, Joyce and Tolstoy had a homosexual threesome and then somehow birthed a literary genius.
Naked has even less plot than Rammed by the Raptor. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I wouldn’t have believed it unless I actually read it. I feel like this much lack of plot is quite a feat to accomplish actually.
We start with Cara, our horny, dark haired protagonist. She’s camping with the fam when she’s nothing more than teenage jailbait. She has a telepathic experience with a Bigfoot creature in the woods. Bigfoot’s all sad because, yeah, Bigfoot has feelings too (IT’S CALLED CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, PEOPLE) but he ain’t no creepy perv, so he lets Cara know she should return once she’s of age.
Bigfoot threesome = cool.
Bigfoot threesome with under-aged teenager = not cool.
It’s nice to know there are some boundaries out there.
Cara returns to the woods when she’s a woman and as she approaches the spot of the First Encounter her body starts aching for that nine-foot tall emo monster. (THINK ABOUT IT. Long hair flopping in front of his eyes, mopey demeanor – I wouldn’t be surprised if his fingernails were painted black and he listened to Taking Back Sunday.)
Oh! Bonus. Bigfoot is named Groam. I have… feelings… about this, but I think it’s going to take some time to work it out. I’ll get back to you.
It turns out this story is 30% environmental descriptions, 69.99% BANGING and 0.01% shit no one is interested in. Okay, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys monster erotica, then it’s probably 69.99% HELLLLLLS YEAH and 30.01% shut-up-and-get-to-the-banging. I say all of this because it begs the question: What’s up with all the environmental description? At one point, the forest gets SUPER sexual. Caressing and whatnot. Family camping trips will never be the same for you, dear reader. YOU’RE WELCOME.
QUOTE WORTH QUOTING: “This is no time for fantasy,” she told herself, as her feet carried her forward through the woods. “This is reality, and I’m not here to spoil it by locking myself in my mind.”
YUP. This is the realest realness I’ve ever experienced.
So Cara is busy penetrating the forest looking for her man Groam, and she gets the urge to go native. She jumps into her birthday suit and it’s not even her birthday. This girl is crazy. She wanders around a bit, takes a nap and when she wakes up it’s nighttime. GROAM IS THERE.
Something to think about…
“I came for you,” Cara said. (Double meaning anyone?!) Groam can’t talk per se, which is how I prefer all my lovers, amirite ladies?! Tall, dark and silent. Let’s get down and dirty, enough of the chit-chat!
What that down and dirty entails is long and QUITE descriptive. Here are the highlights:
- Groam has a penis that is equivalent to a day old Subway sandwich. A foot long and rock hard.
- If you’re ever writing monster erotica the word “musk” should be used with alarming frequency.
- Grunting and roaring is the language you can expect from a Bigfoot lover.
- Apparently, Groam is used to prostitutes – he’s not into kissing.
- When intercoursing a monster, a basic understanding of the theory of general relativity may be helpful. Evidently your vagina can accommodate a lot more matter than seems humanly possible. See: black holes.
Okay, so all that happens. A lot. Then sleep, food, making out. Who shows up next but the number three to our threesome! A second Sasquatch! Through telepathy (no, seriously) we learn he’s a widower, his name is Keer and, for him and Groam, these threesomes are totes normal, NBD.
Okay, I’m ready to talk about his name now. Groam. GROAM!?!? Is it awful or is it perfect? I really can’t tell. My mind is riddled with synonyms for semen and vagina, there’s hardly room for anything else.
You know, I’m gonna go with perfect. Groam. Like the sound a Sasquatch would make while he’s ramming you. Therefore, it’s appropriate. Win.
So we get into a little bondage, a LOT of anal (again, the theory of general relativity may apply here), and very light bro love. Eventually, after countless orgasms Cara remembers real life and peaces out. How she manages to walk, I’ll never know.
ERHMUHGURD GUYS. Can there be a crossover between Rammed and Naked?! Sexy neighbor scientist from Rammed can get wind of this encounter and need to study Cara/her mating habits/her vagina. AHHH SOMEONE WRITE THAT SO I CAN REVIEW IT DOITDOITDOITDOTIDOTIDOTID! It’ll be erotica fanfiction. It’s a whole new level of erotica!
Through the use of literary techniques, future encounters are alluded to. Sequels?! I can’t imagine there is anything else to explore between these three. Then again, it’s entirely possible that I have a terribly dull sex life. I mean, I’ve never even become aroused when thinking about a Sasquatch, or run naked through a forest while fantasizing about mythical creatures. I am obviously B-O-R-I-N-G. It might also be that I’m reading too much erotica lately.
Nah. That can’t be it.
Two out of five groans from Groam.
Next time give me less erotic forest and more plotline! Reading so much erotica means I have to lie to myself a little and say it could possibly be for literary reasons. Throw me a bone(er), will ya?
April: So, Readers? What’s next for AnnaSaurus Rex? Any requests? Any THOUGHTS ON THIS MASTERPIECE?